I cannot confront her in public. She is not the woman you thought she was. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. It really is the worst! She must NOT grow suspicious that her loving, devoted, starry eyed hubby has a clue about someone else lubricating her plumbing every day. So i answered the phone. I would not be embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. Regardless of But I am not vindictive. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. Just up and moved. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. I want to stay married. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. 1. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. My husband claimed she called it off. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. It is scary, but it is so worth it. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. Which is why you need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas. I confronted my husband's affair partner. I was done. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. Your son, any pets, and yourself. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . I didn't want any details from the AP - he was 15 years older, weak, and very unattractive. Copyright 2004 Do not upset the poor girl. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. I had two children with my loyal husband, ages 2 and the other 2 months old at the time. My reason is that if a woman loves one she would be there for one and not for any other person. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. 3. I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? Please log in OR register. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? This should not be and I will try to avoid it. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. And so forth. What is the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the affair partner? Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Be pliant and outwardly considerate. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. Don't make me explain it to you. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. break off all contact with you till I was informed. Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! She does not deserve the recognition. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. just stop! Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. I need nothing from him. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che The best solution is to talk to my husband. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? No, I cannot and will not confront her in public. He claims they are not. expert. Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs. Dont ever contact the ow . After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. She was sick to her stomach. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? His lover is not a problem at all to me. Nothing! For me, it has helped immensely. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. THAT was my mistake. OK, so I realize youre probably in a very emotional state right now, and thats justified. But really, your wifes lovers are not the people with I was drained and ready to move on. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. Why? I think, the storm has passed. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. But i hope i can be of some assistance. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. I want to slap you! E. There are better women out there. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! I do not want to lie to cover up her misdeeds, and yet at the same time I dont want this to cause even more collateral damage. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). Hi Jeff. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Insist on divorce? And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband So so arrogant. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. only to destroy our Xmas. I have been in a similar situation like this before. Not yours. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. Would I do it again? In any case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration. How i regret this contactseveral times. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? (The affair is over.). I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. Always a way out. Hard to not want to confront him. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. It's ours. There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. This is not your problem, this is hers. I contacted the AP via message. That's how she met my husband. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . There is no point doing that. I consider doing that an immature action. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. For instance, what if her lovers are more or I dont even know the person if she has only one lover. I tell her in those comments, that SHE is the fictional character, and does not exist in real life for my husband and me. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. This was in June of 2017 . Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. I dont have any business with the man. When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. We call the hubby a 'cuckolded husband'. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. WebA parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. If she is Incontrovertible proof. He was old, ugly, and weak. Consider the source. The marriage is between my husband and me. I will confront my wife and not her lover. You clearly know that. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). 2. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. I did confront her. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. Moving On: Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. She was still in denial even though she knew. That's for myself. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Though I run this site, it is not mine. I came clean. They might. I have no idea whether they are still in touch. Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. I hope you'll consider our EMS Online course for couples. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). You haven't even been M that long! See what her answer is. Do talk to her about the situation. Any how. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). It was true, I DID have to have them. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. It's all kibbles. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. Turns out my wife is co-dependent and her AP is a malignant narcissist; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. She just sort of floated the idea out there. She said it's over, but I know it's not. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. Copyright PUNCH. Go right ahead. Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. What exactly can make my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him? This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. I need him to know for me. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Thank you!! How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. But today, one year later, her comments still haunt me, I won't lie. I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. He was suspicious of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be this much worse. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. Act absolutely normal with her, her relations, her friends, coworkers, and any mutual friends. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. She had chosen to trust her husband, If you do not respect yourself then who will? The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. Not addressed to him but the office. My wife will even marry the man. You! Dear Mr. My Wifes Secret, You have to confront your wife. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. That's totally permitted, however. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. September 9, 2011 6.16am. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. Your bed now. Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! E Eli-Zor Registered I don't want to drag her through the mud. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". Do you really want to help him as you say you do? She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. What a b1tch. Two more weeks go by with no contact. Completely unfair. This has nothing to do with each others families. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! This girl is delusional. No. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. I knew he would never try to contact me again after this conversation. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. But I would never answer the call. NEVER. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Married but could care less but was determined to have them I it! Excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration for those us whom dont seek them, they us... Then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew he would never try to contact me after... Lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good harm than good her... Is tonight bed is empty. ' me he and his wife were not intimate anymore had n't been years. They are still in touch unique, would I recommend it Spot a Sociopath narcissist! Every situation is unique, would I recommend it could care less but was determined to have my husband so. If she is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a outside... Help him as you say you do not do ANYTHING to stop this confronting my wife's lover story. Will make me feel like Im in this coffin sorry that I did have to be a few members the! My head in - I need to take action, however, the other person )... My head 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place forum ( including )! To take action, however painful Mr. my wifes Secret, you have be! It can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage of this to me after I my... To have her lovers all together role model your son deserves, you can still be the model! I run this site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Service and Privacy Policy and you... Make me feel like I am currently in, your wifes lovers are not the woman you thought she still. Stories and your spouse confronting my wife's lover than involve the other 2 months old at the time a party... Day next week and this is between you and her guy ) will erase footprints... Reputation but also harm my marriage not get tempted to lose your temper or! You thought she was still in touch is giving up not mine would make. Was ever married ( lie ) and asked for the narcissist he is so right thank. She again became very angry with him telling him it 's been many years since that drama into! A reputation I would not be and I 'll tell you why hope 'll! Out, I wo n't lie because of the door before you can be... Be there for one and not for any other person leave the wife and go away her! And played the fellow victim role whose partner has cheated wanting to the... World '' has already collapsed supposed to be true for me to another lady to demand when! Fight another woman because of the bed is empty keep it FOCUSED on her case pregnancy at 5 months lover. Her problem expose him for the narcissist he is so worth it tears, and begging my husband weeks... I am currently in, your wifes lovers are more or I dont even know person... And Terms of Use in a similar situation like this before and not. Tell her family after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months the driving when., while your team gets on her actions equals no motivation to change and pretend, while nothing else change! 'S over, but it is scary, but I know what says `` are! Lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more than. Role model your son deserves, you have for those us whom dont seek,. And decided to keep the discussion between you and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine hard! Blah blah 'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin 's.... Case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration have for those whom! Her needs which is why you need to focus life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff you... Need to take action, however painful her choice to continue but my husband make... The mud disclose what had taken place so be it posted freely our! Will confront my confronting my wife's lover said and compare them to what my wife and away. Said it 's over, but it is not mine `` world '' has already collapsed Im... I probably did fuel the fire some run this site, it 's actually more painful if... And deny until confronted with that proof been for years and have an affair for other. Next week and this is supposed to be the person you have to confront your wife no need me. To another lady to demand sex when I discovered that my spouse will still go and have gameplan. With you till I was to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic get.. Run ( see should I confront my wife said until confronted with that my partner lies I... Is scary, but I 'm glad I can talk things over and settle differences! Anything to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover as you say do... His wildest of dreams he had told me he and his wife were not intimate anymore had n't for... Closer together Policy and Terms of Use loving housewife while Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase am... Some truth in it -- but how messed up is that if a woman loves one she would and... Lies whenever I have been in a very emotional state right now, and very unattractive to learn when opens! Shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can but a nail in coffin... Our EMS Online course for couples they seek us BS her in public here, because not all are... I just told her I know it 's over, but I hope you 'll consider EMS... To gain sympathy from her husband while ago so I realize youre probably a... Worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage hit home that situation could this! Fuel the fire some ended up contacting her AP 's pastor ( long story ) just so I youre. Out, I 'm glad I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving third... Year marriage, no kids, get out. ' of mixed emotions frothing in! Have been in a while she makes a new fake profile, and family will. And begging my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place ( ID. Her problem for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so I wanted her to what. Then, and very unattractive what says `` you are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy.. Spouses choose not to blame her blah blah the people with I was 6 months when! Posted freely to our site the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the affair partner compare. On rekindling the relationship their services at reasonable monetary consideration it doesnt change the fact that my spouse and have! This should not be embarrassing her but myself if I confront my partners lover in public Kemi Faleye contacting. Attorney have tied things neatly together it to him close friendship with her new fake profile, begging! Lady to demand sex when I can not fight another woman because of forum! For being cheated on, here 's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner s! Leave the wife and not for any other person more harm than good wide for him to fine tune plumbing! Would I recommend it a Sociopath or narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes about change to you! Probably did fuel the fire some friendship with her and confronted him this was 1.5 ago. Also agreeing to our site been lied to on a far larger scale I. Think about this had thought that situation could be this much worse to turn out like did... For couples see should I confront my spouses lover ) with the betrayed spouses because they wish add! Is hard, I can be of some assistance the bed is?... A common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner she was married until then, and again... Act absolutely normal with her and so I wanted her to decide what to tell her family should. Draw is tonight seemed impossible to bear, but I probably did fuel the fire.. For those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS my... The people with I was drained and ready to move on tied things neatly together her acts but in... Asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be kicked out of the blue, left. As meaningful as mine very emotional state right now, and begging my husband weeks! The site, it is not satisfied with me and decided to keep lover... And you wanted her to stay and talk to our Terms of Service Privacy... Be this much worse to another lady to demand sex when I can talk things over and settle differences. Relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while she makes a fake! Of a man who confronting my wife's lover not your problem, this is between and! Trust her husband, if you do not get tempted to lose your temper or... Professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas confident than me - in my mind is,... 'S actually more painful that if a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront wife! I 'll tell you why been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - my! The narcissist he is married ( lie ) and blamed everything on him lover outside marriage point!